Sisterhood Reflections

I feel like it was only yesterday that I had my pink argyle sweater on rolling to the Frick Center finding out I had received a bid from Phi Mu. It has made such an impact on me as a woman to be surrounded by women who have the same values and have surprisingly had bad life experiences but go through life with a smile on their faces. Oftentimes, I think Phi Mu gets overlooked throughout the blog because I take it for granted and the truth is I should not take anything for granted.

I remember our recruitment process. It was an interview and two parties. I became emotionally attached to the women as I participated in each event. I felt like this could be home. Well, they felt that way too! On February 13th, 2009, I was offered a bid and of course I accepted the bid. I remember feeling welcomed by my peers for the first time in my entire life.

As a member, I go to the sisterhood retreats, the spring formal, and now, I can honestly say I have girlfriends.

At the sisterhood retreat, you have to understand that the house we stay at is not wheelchair accessible. You would think I do not feel accepted, welcomed, or decide just not to go. No. That is not what happens at all. See, my sister’s help walk me in the house, sit me down on the couch, and help me throughout the night. I do take my assistant with me and I remember one assistant saying, my job sure is easy when your sisters are there. I thought to myself, boy, something is amazing about what she just said. Anyway, I am not in my wheelchair when I am at the retreat. You must be asking how does she participate in the activities. Well, first off everything they can bring to me, they do. I was able to see the little sisters open their gifts from their big sisters, be a part of the candle pass, and I am definitely included in everything. I remember Dana a close friend, made me squeal so loud at the most recent retreat that everybody stopped with what they were doing all thinking to themselves, what the heck is up with Hannah? Then everybody realized Dana had just made me excited and they understand that when I get excited that is how I react. They think it’s cute and the fact that they think part of my disability is cute is a validation that they truly love me for who I am which is the greatest feeling in the world. I feel incredibly accepted and welcomed by my sisters on those special nights. Also, as a proud and active member, I have the privilege of going to the annual spring formal.

I am such a girly girl if you haven’t noticed. Since am a girly girl, put me in an evening gown and I am happy. Put me in an evening gown and with women I love, its pure bliss. The girls wholeheartedly expect me to dance the whole night and I of course do! But I remember at my prom, nobody really wanted to dance with the kid in the wheelchair and it was heartbreaking. I would come home from dances and be satisfied with my experience but something was always missing. The thing that was missing was friends. I didn’t have anyone to enjoy the dances with. Now that I joined Phi Mu that has changed drastically. I have girls who want to take a picture with me and will proudly display it on their Facebook page the next day. These girls also genuinely want to dance with me. They do not dance with the girl in the wheelchair because it looks charitable. They dance with me because they love my spirit on the dance floor. I love these girls because they not only dance with me for the fun of it; they also value me as a girlfriend.

When we have sisterhood nights, I feel so normal which is not a familiar feeling to me. When we have nights of bonding, it usually involves going to the movies, going to dinner, or just renting a room in the Frick Center and making crafts. My sisters talk to me like everyone else; I don’t get talked down to based on my physical appearance. One sister in particular comes to mind when I say sisterhood. That sister is Samantha. She was there from the beginning. Samantha led our chapter for the first semester. Samantha took the time to get to know every girl in the chapter and she did not leave me out. She came to my dorm room frequently, had lunch with me frequently, she gave me someone who I wanted to be like. This was really the first woman in Phi Mu that I truly connected with. Although she moved back to Alabama we still are incredibly close. She actually visited me this summer.

Speaking of moments, I will never forget a moment that occurred at one of the many sisterhood retreats we had. I asked my assistant to stand me up and we happened to be by the banister in the house. Since I have done physical therapy since I was six months old and learned how to stand at a grab bar, my hands naturally grabbed the banister in the house and I was standing pretty much on my own. That was such a proud moment for me. I wanted to capture the moment by taking a photo. I communicated to my assistant to grab a few of my sisters and have them stand with me as I held on to the banister. They were behind me and I was standing with my sisters. One sister did put her hand on my back because I was moving a lot because of how excited I was. I thought to myself, I can celebrate my physical accomplishments with these girls which has not happened before. Usually, it’s my family I celebrate with but that night I celebrated with my sisters.

This past Sunday, we had our meeting like usual but it was pouring down rain and I thought to myself, I don't want to walk in the rain. I have a neighbor who is a Phi Mu and I asked her to walk with me so I could have an umbrella and we ended up having so much fun. The umbrella kept flying out of Jackie's hands and I was laughing so hard. On the way out, a sister caught up with us and I suddenly have two umbrellas over me and it was the greatest feeling in the world.

My Phi Mu sisters have been such a blessing. They don’t have to help me walk into the house where the sisterhood retreat is, they don’t have to bring everything possible to me at the retreats, they don’t have to dance with me at the formals, but they do. That is why I love them with all my heart. The one thing they fail to do is, see me as the girl in the wheelchair. I’m just Hannah to the amazing women of Phi Mu, and I can tell that it is always going to be that way, no matter what.

With this being said, I'm done talking and reflecting about how high school and how bad it was. A dear, dear friend who recently reentered my life made me realize this. This change is not going to happen overnight but this post is reflective of a changed mindset which is focused on sisterhood.

Before I move on, I want to thank each and every sister for being a cause for distraction from the difficult parts of life. Life has simply been better because I have you in it. I love how you are always watching out in some way for me on campus.

Before I end this post, I have two accomplishments I have to share. I did make the Dean's List and my parents were incredibly proud. When I make my parents proud, I know I have done something truly great. Also, I found out that Gamma Sigma Alpha, a national Greek academic society has accepted me. You had to have a 3.75 GPA or get a 4.0 GPA for one of your junior or senior semesters which happened last semester for me. I had both requirements! I don't usually like to put "tangible" accomplishments in my blog however, I want to inspire my readers to as cheesy as it sounds go for the gold and succeed in their own ways.

A True Phi Mu,

Hannah!

Taking Cerebral Palsy to the Hospital

Oh! Dear God! Dear God! It hurt. It hurt. My parents had just dropped me off because it was Sunday and class was Monday .With clammy hands I dialed Mom. It hadn't been two minutes before that we completed our nightly call. I had had a stomachache throughout the day but felt fine in the late afternoon. On the phone, I screamed in pain multiple times. This was pain I had never experienced before and knew something was wrong. My dad finally came and took me home. On the way home, I wanted to go to the hospital but Dad suggested I lie down first. Fine. I get home and my parents put me in the bedroom closest to them. I was vomiting all night. I also asked to go to the hospital but my parents did not take me. You have to understand that because I have Cerebral Palsy and involuntary movements; the ER can be incredibly difficult. My parents did have a point but I was the last person who wanted to validate it at 3 a.m. vomiting. Throughout the night, I would try to find positions to ease the staggering pain but nothing sufficed. It was constant pain and I could not do anything-that's how I knew it could not possibly be the flu. I felt like my right side was going to break because of the never-ending pain.

On Monday morning, my parents had called the doctor. The pain was better but still very much apparent. I went to the doctor and he felt my stomach. It hurt in all the right places for it to be a kidney stone, gallbladder, or appendicitis. I was sent straight to get a CT. Lying still proved to be difficult but manageable. From the CT, we found out I had a kidney stone!

After we found out about my 6 by 4 millimeter kidney stone, we had a decision to make. We could go home and schedule the surgery or be admitted that night, I was all for staying at that hospital. The night before could of been equated to the worst night of my life and I didn't want a repeat. One hour later, I was in a hospital room. My dad had been with me the entire day so Mom came and took over. I should mention that our doctor was brilliant enough to send me to the pediatric floor due to the staff being more open minded and they sure were. I met possibly the best nurse in the entire world. She was very understanding about certain issues that I had. For instance, I have a very difficult time going to the bathroom in the middle of the night so Mom asked that fluids be minimal until the morning. She understood the situation and made it possible. I was all settled by 6:30. I was in the bed, comfortable, and on morphine every hour and 45 minutes. 6:30 on a Monday? I quickly remembered The Bachelor was on. My dad wouldn't even watch it but a girl cannot miss her favorite show. Johanna, my nurse was no stranger to the Bachelor. As she was putting my IV in, she watched it with me. She was great at reading my nonverbal cues which was a blessing! All day I had had no appetite, however when the nurse gave me chocolate ice cream to help with the pill I needed to take, that chocolate ice cream was heaven especially knowing I couldn't have anything after midnight.

On Tuesday morning, I woke up to Johanna introducing me to my next nurse who paled in comparison. The doctor came in and told me what would happen during surgery. When the physician’s assistant came in and said, we're ready, etc. I got a little scared. This is when I thought, do they know about CP? Movement disorders? All those thoughts went into my head like a bed of nails. I did start to cry a little but at the same time, I wanted this thing out of me!

I could barely keep my eyes open after surgery. Between the drugs and lack of sleep, opening my eyes was a feat. They had put a stent in so everything would move correctly. When I went home, the stent was incredibly painful which they had neglected to tell us so I basically was bed ridden. I was on incredibly strong pain killers which made me exhausted. I didn't have my sense of humor; I would say Hannah disappeared for a week!

After a week had gone by, I had a mini surgery where they removed the stent. After 7 days, I finally felt normal. I cried with joy. Feeling normal had never felt so good. Reflecting back, I agree with my parents decision not to take me to the ER. It would have been more difficult than what we ultimately did. Bringing Cerebral Palsy to the hospital was hard enough, we didn’t have to make it more difficult!

It was the next Monday. My stent was out and I felt normal. I found myself in my dormitory lounge watching The Bachelor; my only concern was that it had a tremendous amount of homework. It was my normal routine and I had a new appreciation for it. I’m incredibly blessed to not have ongoing medical issues. I was in the right place this Monday!

Before I wrap up, I do have joyous news. Just today, my godson was born. His name is William James Endres. It is my cousin, Lauren and her husband Scott's son. I know everybody says they will make great parents but it is the epitome of truth for this couple. I couldn't be more thrilled and our family is simply ecstatic!

As for me, I start spring semester tomorrow. This semester will include my independent study and a lot of adventures, of course!

All My Love,

Hannah

The 12 Gifts of Christmas

I have already opened so many Christmas gifts. I have been so blessed this holiday season. I've decided to do my own version on the 12 Days of Christmas. This idea was inspired by a sermon I heard at the beginning of December.

The Twelve Gifts of Christmas

My first gift was the fact that Mom, Dad, and my former physical therapist, Jodi all came to Lessons and Carols which is a Christmas service I read at. Seeing Jodi brought me to tears. Whenever I see someone from my past at Elmhurst College that helped me get to where I am now, it is a surreal feeling because they helped me live my dream. I can't even think of words to describe that feeling.

My second gift was that the school choir did a Christmas concert. I absolutely love Christmas music and something as simple as hearing my favorite Christmas tunes lives is a gift.

My third gift was picking out gifts for my friends and assistants. Part of the joy of this marvelous season is the satisfaction that comes with finding that perfect gift for someone. I know Christmas is not about the gifts however, giving gifts elates me.

My fourth gift is that I have worked extremely hard this semester in my academics and I am finding it is truly paying off. Since a significant part of my identity is being a student, it is such a great feeling.

My fifth gift was that a certain professor and I really bonded over the semester and she actually was the one who approved the independent study for next semester. And it was really funny because after our last class together she rushed off and I was a little confused because she had left without saying good-bye. The next morning I received an e-mail from her explaining that she had been late to a meeting and was looking forward to working with me next semester.

My sixth gift is actually quite the story. I decided to go to a fraternity's Christmas function. I was all ready and dolled up and looking forward to a great night. My assistant Jessie and I head out to the buses and the fraternity had not ordered buses with lifts. I felt my heart sink to my feet; I knew it was not good. When the fraternity men saw me, it took about two seconds to realize that we had a huge problem. They immediately called the bus company. They couldn't help us. They tried getting the Elmhurst College shuttles. The accessible shuttle doesn't work on weekends. They tried local taxis. Nothing. I did not end up going. However, the humanity displayed that night was a true gift.

My seventh gift would be having the privilege of helping a friend. My friend Danielle from Camp Courage recently lost her boyfriend. My heart has been with her through the six weeks that he was in hospice. It was emotionally draining to see a dear friend in so much pain but she is being so strong. It's unbelievable. As for her boyfriend, Cullen, I can tell you with great confidence that the world has lost an angel. So many people help me, it was nice to be the one helping not receiving.

My eighth gift is the fact that I have been able to grow so much in my faith. It really helps on difficult days to have that strong faith. I will admit, it's the end of a difficult semester and I am exhausted and my faith is incredibly helpful.

My ninth gift is that my technology has been working. KNOCK ON WOOD. Yes, everything has been working except for a few small things.

My tenth gift is that my dear friends who visited me this summer, Nicole and Joe, from Camp Courage GOT ENGAGED! I am beyond thrilled for them. They will make such a wonderful married couple and eventually family.

My eleventh gift is receiving a new title. My cousin Lauren and her husband Scott have asked me to be the baby's godmother. This is not only an honor and a privilege but a gift! I take this role extremely seriously and I cannot wait to hold my Godson.

My twelfth gift would definitely be everyone who is reading this blog. I don't think you can understand how much you keep me going. I am constantly thinking about the best way to act, how to handle a crisis, how to be a good friend, and how to be the best person I can be because I know so many people consider me to be a roll model which is a incredible compliment. For that, dear readers, I am eternally grateful. I did not expect my blog to be what it is. I really didn't. I am so thankful that it turned out to be what it is. When something completely exceeds your highest expectations, it is a true gift that Webster's dictionary does not have words for. I hope I have inspired, moved, and somehow touched your lives. I do not write for myself, I write for others.

Have a Blessed Holiday Season!

Merry Christmas and I will write to you in 2011,
Hannah!

P.S. For all the Christmas party guests, I am so excited

Tradition and Speaking Come Together

I gave a speech tonight that touched many people. When I get an opportunity like the one I had tonight, words cannot express the way I feel when I give a speech. The College has a rich tradition in giving thanks and I absolutely love being an active member of traditions the college has. Here is the speech I gave tonight.


When I go home this Thanksgiving, I will have a mother and father who love me unconditionally, a brother and sister who are excelling in school and their extracurricular activities. My mother and father will enquire about my sorority, my grades, and other stuff that I care about. I have a family who not only listens but also cares very deeply about everything I do. I’m incredibly thankful for that fact alone, however, when I really thought about what I am really thankful for, I came to one conclusion. I’m thankful for being different. God made me different for a distinctive reason. I am still figuring out that reason which admittedly has its difficulties but the journey to finding out this answer has brought three glorious families to my life, and I have also had incredible moments due to being different.

I already told you about my most important family. My mother, father, brother and sister. My parents are the best parents God could of gave me. They push me to my greatest limits inspiring me to push myself everyday. However, more recently, I have realized that because I push myself so much at times, they have realized that they frequently need to remind me that I am not super woman. I honestly forget that at times. They have been brilliant enough to realize that their job is to have me look at what I really need to accomplish, whether it be that day, or in life. My brother and sister thankfully don’t see me as being different. When one of their friends asks, why is your older sister that way? They respond, because she is. It’s such a priceless moment for me because they speak the truth in that moment. My family and I have experienced humorous, sentimental, and some of the best family moments from me being different. . I would not trade those memories just so I could walk or talk, that is how I know God made me this way for a reason, God wants happiness for people and I do because of my differences. Now, I have a second family that I see once a year.

I go to a place called Camp Courage. It is a camp for people with disabilities. For that week, I feel completely normal because I look like everyone else. Everyone else is in wheelchairs, some use computers to talk, everybody moves differently like I do, and every single camper has also spilled an entire dinner on the floor because of uncontrolled movements. I am immersed in this world for seven days. I experience the feeling of rejuvenation and Camp is what keeps me going on difficult days where I feel a little bit too different. Like I said being different does have its difficulties, however, I have people who understand what it’s like which is a incredible blessing. So, I think God thought to himself, if I give this child hurtles to overcome, I better give her a good support system. And, He really did a great job because He knew that I needed to be at Elmhurst College, which is my third family.

The family I am with tonight is quite special. Being different at Elmhurst is not something that is frowned upon. It is encouraged and admired. I mean, I am on banners, you must like me. Nobody has seen my disability as an obstacle to get around, just a part of my life. At freshmen orientation, I was not the girl in the wheelchair, I was Hannah. Now, it is my junior year and I think I know just about everyone. Because I am different, when I attend events at the Mill Theater, they know exactly which seat I will be in, they know my favorite drink at the coffee bar, they know that I love pasta at the cafeteria, my classmates know which desk to move when I enter the classroom, and I could list hundreds of other things that people know about me because I stand out. With that being said, I would like to take this opportunity to thank each and every one of you for embracing a woman for what God intended her to be. This Thanksgiving Day, I am thankful for being different. I will end with a Bible passage. It is from Ezre, 10 4, Rise up; this matter is in your hands. We will support you, so take courage and do it."

I kept this post short and sweet because I have a paper to finish, two research presentations to prepare for, three essays, two journals, and one speech to write. However, I had to write in my blog because I simply love what it has turned into. My readers mean the world to me.

God Bless. Happy Thanksgiving!

All My Love,
Hannah!