I was all dressed up for a wonderful night of dancing and laughter. Phi Mu was having a Valentine's Day party at a local restaurant. I was so excited for a night with my sisters and to top it off, my new assistant who I already adored was coming. We had rode the bus there and were all going in the restaurant. There was a tiny little bump before the door, thinking nothing of it, I went straight ahead. I heard the bottom of my wheelchair hit the bump and then...click...my chair was dead. I knew it was the same problem as I had last month, my power source that is usually lit up was a horrendous dark gray. Needless to say, I was frustrated and disappointed. The first thing I said was, I still have to dance!
After about a half hour of looking for the switch, Annie, my assistant and I decided to stay positive and have fun. Annie got me on that dance floor and I used my fabulous body to dance instead of my wheels. We both subconsciously knew that telling people would be a downer so Annie acted as my joystick. At the end of the night, my DynaVox went dead which was inevitable since my wheelchair powers it. I did get a little frustrated but Annie made me an ABC page and I just thanked God it happened at the end of the night not the beginning.
My dad came with the replacement chair the very next morning. I had the freedom to move about but "conveniences" on my chair due to my independent lifestyle were gone. I don't like calling these next two things conveniences because able bodied people take them for granted much more than I do. The button that opens my door couldn't be transferred so we had to tape a garage door opener to my chair. Also, since the battery life on my DynaVox is incredibly short, I have a battery charger attached to my wheelchair; my replacement didn't have that which was incredibly frustrating. I was appropriately frustrated and irritated that week but I always reminded myself I never stopped dancing that initial night so I'm not going to stop "dancing" this week. Before I go on, I would like to point out that Aaron did send me yellow roses during my frustrating week and that made me quite happy.
I have had people disappoint me too.
I'll say it. I have had a crush on this guy for a long time. I mean, I really like this guy. When I like a guy, usually, it's me saying, he is cute, he is friendly, etc. This was different. I didn't really tell anybody which in my case usually means I really like this guy. I know, it's backwards. I finally asked him out to coffee. He excitedly agreed. We exchanged numbers. I waited for his call. He calls me and we setup a time. I am so excited. This guy is the whole package, he knows about disabilities, is Catholic, handsome and as I found out willing to help me to an extreme degree. We had coffee. It all changed. He was judgmental, self-centered, and very disappointing. I was insulted and felt judged. You know, judging me on my appearance is one thing but judging me on my values is hurtful. He also made it painfully clear that we would not date. I did not even ask if he was interested, he apparently felt the need to make that clear which just makes him a jerk. I was hurt. So much that I started crying on the way back, I started crying extremely hard. My neighbors all showed so much concern that they talked to me for a really long time and eventually my girlfriends came over and took me to a concert on campus. They told Annie to meet us there. Annie was going to get yet even more drama! I am the farthest away from composed. I am just crying. Meanwhile, Annie shows up and my girlfriends tell her why I'm a mess. Annie starts to feed me while the band started. I'm crying on and off. Well, the band was playing love songs which made me cry. Finally, Annie was like we have to go, this is torture. We go back and I start getting composed. My friends eventually came to my dorm with ice cream which helped. That was my second cup of ice cream that night (anybody blame me?). We put Glee on and it was the episode where they sang Lean On Me. Annie looked at me as if to say, hope you're connecting the message and I was.
I was still a little down when I went to bed but I knew I had friends who cared which is so important. I concluded that I have to unlearn everything that my peers taught me in high school. I learned that I was alone in high school and I could not rely on anybody my age to understand me. Now, it's reversed and also the way things should be.
Throughout this difficult month, I always kept my head up and I kept dancing because of my wicked inner strength or because of my amazing friends.
Keep Dancing,
Hannah!
P.S. Today is my mom's birthday, in honor this post is dedicated to her.
